Drug rehab? Not for you

I am a drug addict. Many of you may know one or know someone who knows one or you may be one. There are many different viewpoints on addiction; this is mine. Being addicted is like living in a nightmare that won't allow me to awaken. I think this can't possibly be my life, could it? Of course it's my life but I wish it weren't. I decided enough was enough. I want help and drug rehab is my best chance. Countless talk shows show me how an addict becomes this great person after rehab. Well I want that for me. And so began my research into drug rehabs. My biggest obstacle is how to pay for it. The websites tell me how. They tell me everyone can get treatment. They lie. They suggest insurance which I do not have. Then they suggest charging the cost on credit cards. Really? I am a drug addict. My credit cards have long been maxed out. So they suggest a loan. Well my credit is beyond bad so a loan is not an option. Next up they tell me to sell my valuables. Again, I'M A DRUG ADDICT. My valuables were sold for drugs. So now they say ask friends and family to pay? Um yeah my friends are addicts too and my family would not spend one dollar to help me. So what now? Well I'm told about state treatment centers. Sounds good except for tithe fact I make too much money. Said money all goes to drugs however so I have nothing. I do not have a child so I don't get special treatment. I'm not out breaking the law where the courts could then order free treatment. So now what? I haven't been given a new suggestion. Basically I can't get help. I have called countless referral services and I get silence after going through the options. If I could save my money for rehab, I wouldn't need rehab. So now I just want to tell rehab centers to tell the truth. Unless you are wealthy or your family is or unless you are on welfare or a mother or a criminal, you are on your own. Do I quit my job? Do I bring a child into the world just for help? Do I go out and get arrested? NO. I have a problem but I still matter. I have a job and I would never have children when I'm on drugs and really don't want to break the law. So now I just realize that all those people who lecture me about having to want help can all kiss my ass. It's nice to think a person can ask for help and help is available but that is bullshit. I hate being on drugs so much that most days I'm leaning towards killing myself. I know how society feels about addicts. I feel shame and hopelessness and know I shouldn't be this way. So now I must live knowing there is no way out. At least not for me.